Table Rase
by Yzba
Summary: What I think of as the lost moment in Tabula Rasa.


She was sitting at the bar, her gaze unfocused and her mind swirling with unvoiced thoughts when she felt his approach. She didn't know when she had become able to identify him that way, but there was no doubt in her mind about the identity of the vamp who had just set foot in the place. She was not ready to see him. This was turning into a hellish day to beat every hellish day and since there had been a lot of those since she had been brought back to life, that was saying a lot.

Emotions churned inside of her, her feelings confused and her mind trying to catch up. When she felt him behind her, she turned away, not wanting him to see how broken she felt. But the move seemed to anger him and he stalked away. She felt torn between the urge to run after him and the desire to stay alone and wallow in her pain. _Come on slayer, you're brooding… can see why you think the poof is so bloody perfect. _The fact that her inner voice sounded just like Spike had her sighing. Typical. The vamp was everywhere these days, always around when she was miserable and this was no exception. Hell, he was even becoming her inner voice.

She was tired of running away, tired of hiding from everyone and if the last days were a lesson in the badness that could spring from hiding things then she didn't want anything left hidden. With that truth in mind, she rose from her seat and set after the vamp that she could still feel inside the room. She found him leaning on the wall near the pool table, a cigarette in his hand, his eyes dark with anger and something else she was learning to identify as despair. He lifted his head when he felt her coming near and met her eyes. What he saw had him standing straighter, as if preparing for battle or as though steeling himself for another round of Kick the Spike. She cursed herself, the thought that her actions had given him cause to automatically prepare for physical blows angering her.

"I'm sorry Spike." The words, spoken in controlled anger had him raising an eyebrow.

"Well, the world must be ending then." His voice was sarcastic but his eyes showed her how surprised he was. Anger turned to dejection and her shoulders sagged.

"Please Spike, I'm trying." This time, his eyes turned soft, the sadness in her voice bringing forth the caretaker in him. Despite everything, despite his own rage at being used as a punching bag or a useful commodity, his love for her was overwhelming. He saw how she was trying, how desperate she seemed to be to look as though everything was okay and he was scared of what could happen. He was far from being blind to what was happening in her mind and past actions proved that she would stop at nothing to ensure that everyone was okay, at the detriment of her own feelings.

"I…Everything came rushing back when the spell lifted and..God Spike, I'm so lost." Her eyes filled with tears and he could never have stopped himself from taking her in his arms.

It was her head that lifted, her lips that claimed his and lost in the fire that was her touch, he deepened the kiss, wanting and needing more. His body was screaming for her and his demon roared in his head at having her so near. Her touch was bliss and need, a raging flame that threaten to burn him whole. Somehow, the kiss turned desperate and they were clawing at each other body. Only the laugh of the passing college boys brought him back to the place and time and he reluctantly let her go, scared of what she would say, afraid that she would once more deny that something was going on between them.

Her lids were heavy and her breath was coming out in sharp pants, her lungs screaming for air. She looked at him, eyes confused and took a step back.

"Well then, you can toddle off, you got what you came here for, so just go." His voice was hard, seeing her action has one of dismissal. He turned away and was taking a step when her voice stopped him.

"I didn't get what I was here for. Spike, I…can we talk? Maybe go somewhere else?" Her voice was shaky, the tone hesitant and he nearly stumbled. Silently he turned back to her. She could have sworn that he was seeing everything that was in her mind, that he somehow could see down to her soul.

Warily, he finally nodded.

"Alright then, where do you want to go?" She heard his carefulness and sighed. God, why did this have to be so difficult?

"Patrol?" She asked, hoping that she would get to kill something. She really needed a bit of violence right about now. He motioned toward the door and followed her out. Without a word, they set toward Restfield, their steps in synch as they always were of late. The silence stretched until Buffy spoke softly, her voice barely reaching the sensitive ears of the vamp that walked beside her.

"When the spell broke, it broke another memory spell as well. One that I owe Angel for. But that's a whole other story. I'm sorry that I ran, it got so confused, so many things came back at once. I…I couldn't take it." He stayed silent, desperately wanting to ask about Angel's spell but he realized that it wasn't the time for it. After a few minutes, she picked up her line of thought.

"I don't get why this happened. Why couldn't they leave me where I was? Why does Giles have to go? Why does Willow think she can fix everything with magic? Especially since every spell goes kaploie." He snorted at that. The witch did have a way to mess up every spell. Except that there was one of those fucked up spell that he still dreamed about. For that one, he would thank the PTBs as long as he walked the earth.

"Do you want me to kill them luv?" He asked, his voice carrying a hint of laughter.

"Maybe." When he looked at her in shock, she chuckled.

"I know why Giles thinks he have to go. I really do. And he is probably right, I need to learn how to do this on my own, but I don't see why he has to go back to England. Couldn't he just say no when I ask for help? I mean, how can he leave when he knows where I was? I can't do this alone. They don't think I see but I do. Willow and Tara imploded. Xander and Anya, well I don't know what's going to happen but he is terrified. And Dawn. She thinks I haven't noticed that she's been stealing stuff, that she's screwing up school, but I see, and I don't know how to reach her. I'm so messed up right now, I don't know how I could take care of anyone else. And the money. It's almost gone, and I can't seem to get a job that will fit with the slaying, and I can't stop that because I'll go crazy. And then, there's you."

He had gone somber as he listened to her. He knew that things were bad but somehow, he hadn't thought that she was aware of just how bad. Instead he was finding out that he was the one who had missed things. In fact, he had almost missed her last words.

"Wait, wait, me? What about me?" he asked, confused.

"You confuse the hell out of me. You're the only one I can stand right now, the only one I don't have to play a part with. You think I don't see you, but I do. And you were right."

"Of course I was." The answer was automatic before he added.

"About what?"

"When Sweet was here, during our version of the _Rocky Horror Picture Show_. You said some things to me in your crypt and most of it was true. I am ashamed and scared, but it's not you, it's me. I'm ashamed of myself, ashamed of wishing I had never been brought back, ashamed to wish that some vamp could get his one good day. And at the same time, I'm so damn grateful." His voice was very soft when he asked.

"Grateful for what sweets?"

"Grateful for you. I don't think that I could have done this if you weren't there. You keep me grounded, and you're always there when I need someone." He was speechless, looking at her as if she had grown a second head. She let out a small laugh and looked down, studiously not looking at him.

"You were right, there is something between us but I don't know what I feel Spike. I'm just trying to go through each day. I can't do more than that. Not right now. I didn't mean to run from you when our memories came back, I was running from me." She took a few more steps before she realized that he wasn't following her anymore. She looked back and saw him looking at her, eyes carefully blank.

"What do you mean slayer?"

"It means you have your crumb Spike. But I can't give you more. I don't know what is going to happen or how I will manage to work things out with everyone, but I can't pretend to hate you. I may yell at you and insult you and punch you, but I don't want to hurt you. I'm so angry Spike, I don't know how to let go of it, but fighting with you helps. I just want you to know that I don't mean it when I go crazy. And I know it's bad of me, but I need this, need to know I can let myself go when I'm with you. I need to know that I can bitch, that I can cry, that I can yell and you won't leave. It's not pretty, and I hope I never hurt you, but you're the only one I can be myself with." She fell silent after that, lost in her thoughts and afraid of his reaction.

"I'll never leave Buffy, I don't have it in me to leave the woman I love. You know that." No other words were needed, the honesty behind the simple remark unmistakable. Hope soared in him. He wouldn't let her down. Somehow, he would find a way to help her. If it meant just being there than he would do it, no questions asked. But he would try to find a way to help her, at least he could talk to Dawn, and he had a few ideas to help her with the money issue. He knew she would refuse any outright help, but he still had contacts in Sunnydale.


End file.
